DOMestic Bdsm and Female Domination

Hello Appy,

My apologies to you and the DOMestic list for not responding, or
sending out a DOMestic digest over the recent holidays.

you wrote:

>my Wife has lost Her interest in sexual activity. i was
>allowed to pleasure Her orally nearly eight weeks ago

Well Appy, eight weeks is not a long time at all. But obviously
your wife should be sure that no other medical causes are
responsible for her loss of interest. Sometimes loss of interest
is a symptom of something else. A check up with her doctor is a
good idea just in case.

>And it is nearly nineteen weeks since She gave me an internal
>orgasm.

It's possible that she thinks she cannot expect oral service from
you if she does not reciprocate in that way?

I personally lost interest in allowing vaginal penetration many
years before losing my interest in sexual activity. Perhaps you
could talk to her and assure her that if she prefers not to
indulge you in that way, that you are still more than happy to
offer her oral pleasure.

>i heard Her talking to a friend about sex in their marriages and
>they agreed they didn't feel for it any more.

Best not to rely on overheard chat. It's possible that the
conversation you overheard reflected your wife empathising with
her friend more than her own feelings.

I suggest you discuss it with your wife, and establish whether
she has really lost interest, and whether that matters to her. If
it doesn't matter, then from her perspective the medical check-up
is all she may need.

>i don't want to complain to Her

No, of course not. But concern for her needs medical and
otherwise, and her desires, expressed properly, is not
complaining.

>i certainly don't want Her to allow me sex only for my sake. yet
>i hope She will regain Her interest.

If you assure her of that then her interest may re-awaken in her
own time for your oral attentions.

>Ms Christine wrote two years ago about Her loss of interest in
>sex. i remember She even didn't want to see david's penis any
>more. i wonder if this still is the same

Yes. In my case, my interest has not yet re-awakened, but also in
my case there are other medical issues involved which I don't
think are relevant to this thread. So please don't take me as an
example or template for your own relationship.

Every woman is different, and the thread you mentioned two years
ago on the DOMestic web site and others at:-

http://www.mschristine.com/DOMestic/a_age_ds.htm

has much hope for you.

There and elsewhere what one reads would suggest that many women
find their interest does return after the menopause. Perhaps some
other women will write in again with their experiences.

>and if so how She and david deal with it.

In David's case he has had to adjust how he thinks about me. I've
also had to re-think how I relate to him.

I'll ask David to give some time to writing something which will
give you an insight into how we currently interact.

sincerely, Christine

The Fem Dom Training Software.
Advises on how best to train your husband/lover.
http://www.mschristine.com/program.shtml

Hi Appy,

Wishing all a happy New Year :-)

i have empathy for Your dilemma.

Ms Christine's response would be correct in my opinion. A heart
to heart conversation with your Wife is what is needed and on the
topics She brought up.

It is so great You're still on this list Appy, i could only add,
if You might consider,

Do You still ride bicycles? or plan something romantic for her?
those things special that You both fell in love with, or maybe
something new? maybe a kiss? a hug? holding hands walking to the
market? a place that is different perhaps from the normal routine
to start this heart to heart communication?

Your friend,
nuked potatoes

Hello,

appy wrote:

>my Wife has lost Her interest in sexual activity -snip- Ms
>Christine wrote two years ago about Her loss of interest
>http://u4ds.com/2006/02/february_28th_2006.shtml
>-snip- i wonder if this still is the same and if so how She
>and david deal with it.

We've dealt with it in much the same way as we dealt with the
divergence in our needs and desires that we discovered we had
when we first met and got together nearly 30 years ago. We
talked then about ways in which we could both get what we want
out of our relationship, and then as now we've found compromises
that work by talking about it.

If both partners compromise in a relationship then it's not
going to absolutely perfect for either partner, but if it works
it can be perfect for the partnership and lead to mutual
happiness and satisfaction.

Submissives and/or masochists are, in my opinion, and certainly
in my case, lucky. As well as having most or all of the usual
sexual desires, we have another set of appetites that can add to
or indeed replace the things that satisfy us.

For most of my relationship with Christine, my submission and
masochism was a source of ways to enhance and add to the sexual
activity that took place for each of us, and between us, as I'm
sure regular readers of DOMestic will know..

Now that Christine has no interest in her own sexual activity,
my submission and masochism is a means by which I can still get
pleasure out of the relationship even if it now has to be
without the pleasure I used to get from giving Christine (or
seeing and hearing Christine get) multiple orgasms.

For Christine my masochism gives her an avenue by which she can
engage with me in a way that gives me pleasure, and she assures
me that even though she no longer has any sexual desire, she
still wants to "be involved" and continue to give me the control
I crave.

We both wrote two years ago about some of the activities we then
indulged in. Since that time I've been privileged to have
Christine impose upon me similar control to that she suggested
for those in "Wanker's Corner" at:-

http://u4ds.com/2007/07/controlling_how_he_masturbates.shtml#c004372

and

http://u4ds.us/2007/08/controlled_as_a_wanker.shtml#c004420

Many submissives would count themselves fortunate to find their
behaviour controlled, and masochists like me of course take
pleasure in either humiliation or punishment, and in my case
both. So in my case I'm happy that she deemed me to be a wanker
and decided to subject me to her punishment and control because
of it.

So Appy, what I'd suggest is that during your conversations with
your wife, you ask your lady if she would honour you by allowing
you to give her sexual pleasure orally if and when she wants it,
and assure her that whether or not she wants it, you don't
expect or need any reciprocation from her.

Instead, you might assure her that were she to offer to control
your behaviour in some way, it would make you happy.

In my case the kind of control with spiked penis corsets and
spiked gloves detailed in the above links is alternated with
making me wear a panty girdle to suppress any sign of arousal
whenever she suspects I might "need it". Most usually this would
be whenever we have an evening out.

(Christine knows that when she dresses up for an evening out, I
tend to get "frisky", and wearing a very tight panty girdle with
my penis suppressed down between my legs ensures than no sign of
my interest is detected)

I'm given a regular application of the cane "purely as
discipline" she assures me. Life factors and health issues
permitting I'm summoned for my "daily dozen" as Christine calls
it, almost every day at Christine's convenience.

Most often at some time around two in the afternoon after we
come back from our after lunch walk, Christine will say
something like "You'll be getting your daily dozen at four
today. Report to my room then."

The time and the phraseology varies, but the result is that I
always get a couple of hours to anticipate and prepare for my
impending suffering.

(I know some folk enjoy the physical sensation of punishment,
but such is not the case for me. I enjoy being subjected to the
power and control that Christine exerts. The punishment is the
price I pay to assure me that the power and control exists).

During such discipline, Christine questions me, and if I admit
to any behaviour in breach of her very spiky guidelines then she
gives me way more than a dozen.

When I last managed a whole week without getting more than a
dozen on any day, Christine emailed me a nice picture of her
extracted from our videos, with instructions to use it as my
screen saver. There was also a text instruction for how I was to
stimulate myself and spurt "as a reward". (it involved the
spiked gloves, a saucer, and licking it clean afterwards).

sincerely,
David

Download "Games People Play" by David at
http://www.mschristine.com/manual.html

First my thanks to Ms. Christine for her reply

i have waited for a while to reply, because i was unsure how and
because we had a lot of other obligations.

>Well Appy, eight weeks is not a long time at all. But
>obviously your wife should be sure that no other medical
>causes are responsible for her loss of interest. Sometimes
>loss of interest is a symptom of something else. A check up with
>her doctor is a good idea just in case.

i think you are right. She had serious skin problems that
especially in cold weather cause strong itching. last week She
bought a new medicine and that seems to help a lot. and She
visited our GP last week.

>>And it is nearly nineteen weeks since She gave me an internal
>>orgasm.

>It's possible that she thinks she cannot expect oral service
>from you if she does not reciprocate in that way?

She knows i love it when She has her orgasm and i am denied, but,
yes, She always thinks She is failing me. i wish i could make it
clear to Her that Her pleasure is mine too. but it is a
difficulty for Her.

>Perhaps you could talk to her and assure her that if she
>prefers not to indulge you in that way, that you are still
>more than happy to offer her oral pleasure.

She knows that.

>It's possible that the conversation you overheard reflected your
>wife empathising with her friend more than her own feelings.

She told me about that conversation afterwards herself telling me
Her friend had the same feelings as She. And she more or less
apologized to me.

>I suggest you discuss it with your wife

Discussing things like this is so difficult as She very easily
feels it like i am criticizing Her.

>>i certainly don't want Her to allow me sex only for my sake.
>>yet i hope She will regain Her interest.

>If you assure her of that then her interest may re-awaken in her
>own time for your oral attentions.

You are as always so right. Last Sunday morning She started
intimacy by taking my genitals in Her hand and caressing and
squeezing them. i was allowed to kiss and caress Her breast and
finally She allowed me to lick Her to a lovely orgasm. and, yes,
She didn't give me one.

>in my case there are other medical issues involved

i do hope it is not too serious. i also hope you will find a cure
for it.

i also thank my old friend nuked potatoes for his reply.

>It is so great You're still on this list Appy.

i am glad to hear from you too. how is your Dutch lady?

>Do You still ride bicycles? or plan something romantic for
>her? those things special that You both fell in love with, or
>maybe something new? maybe a kiss? a hug? holding hands walking
>to the market? a place that is different perhaps from the normal
>routine to start this heart to heart communication?

yes, we do things like that, although my Wife is not very much
into physical contact, but we talk and laugh a lot and we are
very happy in our senior house.

thanks for your interest.

i finally thank David for his elaborate reply.

your situation is very different from mine. my Wife doesn't want
a D/s relationship. so i cannot talk explicitly about my
submission to Her. i wish She could control me, give orders and
punish me when necessary. you certainly are a lucky man. i like
your contributions to the list very much. you and Ms. Christine
really can write very clearly. thanks for that.

appy

Hello,

Appy wrote:

>my thanks to Ms. Christine for her reply

My pleasure Appy.

>i think you are right. -snip- She visited our GP last week.

That's good.

>She knows i love it when She has her orgasm and i am denied

I'm glad to hear that she is aware of your love of denial.

>but, yes, She always thinks She is failing me.

Perhaps my suggestions later will help with that?

>i wish i could make it clear to Her that Her pleasure is mine
>too. but it is a difficulty for Her.

Maybe you could tell her that you would really love to be able
to masturbate with her permission, on a later occasion, while
remembering the pleasure she'd had, she might allow this?

You could tell her it is good for you to give her pleasure and
remember it again and again over subsequent days. In this way
she could feel a lot better about it if she knew you were
getting such pleasure from it too?

>Discussing things like this is so difficult as She very easily
>feels it like i am criticizing Her.

You'll just have to to be your tactful best. :-) I'm sure you
can manage that.

>You are as always so right. Last Sunday morning She started
>intimacy by taking my genitals in Her hand and caressing and
>squeezing them. i was allowed to kiss and caress Her breast
>and finally She allowed me to lick Her to a lovely orgasm. and,
>yes, She didn't give me one.

I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up for both of you.

I wrote:

>>in my case there are other medical issues involved

and you replied:

>i do hope it is not too serious. i also hope you will find a cure
>for it.

Don't worry Appy, the medical system here is excellent and I'm
coping fine.

>my Wife doesn't want a D/s relationship. so i cannot talk
>explicitly about my submission to Her.

So you have discussed this and she has told you she doesn't want
to hear any more about it? Or do you mean that using your own
judgement you have decided that she would rather not know too
much of these things?

>i wish She could control me, give orders and punish me when
>necessary

Perhaps you don't need to go that far at all.

I'd suggest that you ask her if it is ok for you to masturbate
on occasion, and would she mind telling you when and where you
must do it.

If you have an unused wardrobe in your house, perhaps in a guest
room, or a cupboard under the stairs, she could simply tell you
to "go to your cupboard".

You could take that as orders to masturbate, without her having
to be too specific about the whole submission thing.

You wrote to David:-

>you certainly are a lucky man.

Yes, he is. :-) I have a cupboard in a guest room that I put
David in when he shows too much interest, and I've also got a
special box in the living room where I sometimes put him for a
little treat, and perhaps I'll write some more on that later.

>i like your contributions to the list very much. you and Ms.
>Christine really can write very clearly. thanks for that.

Thank you, and thank you also for your support over the years
Appy, it is much appreciated.

sincerely,
Christine

The Fem Dom Training Software.
Advises on how best to train your husband/lover.
http://www.mschristine.com/program.shtml

Ms. Christine wrote:

>Maybe you could tell her that you would really love to be able
>to masturbate with her permission, on a later occasion

The problem is that She doesn't want our relationship to be a
D/s relationship. so i cannot ask Her for permission.

>You'll just have to to be your tactful best

i tried, but She is avoiding the subject. it is so difficult for
Her to talk about Her own feelings and desires.

i am happy her interest is gradually returning. this morning She
took my balls in Her hand for some time. She obviously didn't
want to go further or let me touch Her. so i am hopeful.

i want Her to be happy and this morning She told me She was.

>Don't worry Appy, the medical system here is excellent and I'm
>coping fine.

i am glad to read this, Ms. Christine.

>she has told you she doesn't want to hear any more about it?

Years ago i told Her about my feelings. She was shocked. after
some days She tried to dominate me, but is was a disaster. i
still remember Her miserable face when She tried. then i told
Her i didn't want Her to be so unhappy and that i would not
mention it again. She agreed. and years later She told me that
O/our marriage at that time was in serious danger.

>she could simply tell you to "go to your cupboard". You could
>take that as orders to masturbate, without her having to be
>too specific about the whole submission thing.

That would be wonderful, but as i explained, it is not possible,
and the only attraction for me would be to get an order, not the
masturbation itself.

i just wait until She is ready again.

>I have a cupboard in a guest room that I put David in when he
>shows too much interest, and I've also got a special box in
>the living room where I sometimes put him for a little treat,
>and perhaps I'll write some more on that later.

It is so good to read about real relationships that work this
way. i am looking forward to your writings about this subject.
thanks in advance.

Ms. Christine, thanks again for your attention.

appy

Hello Appy,

You wrote:

>Years ago i told Her about my feelings. She was shocked. after
>some days She tried to dominate me, but is was a disaster. i
>still remember Her miserable face when She tried. then i told
>Her i didn't want Her to be so unhappy and that i would not
>mention it again

If that was me, then as a man of honour, I would have to stick
to my word and not mention dominating me again.

>years later She told me that O/our marriage at that time was in
>serious danger.

Perhaps she had become more open minded in the intervening
years? Were you tempted to ask then whether the marriage would
be in danger if you were to ask to talk about the subject?

If she brought the subject up, I would certainly have felt I had
permission at that stage to at least ask if the subject was open
for discussion.

>She doesn't want our relationship to be a D/s relationship.

Well, in my opinion, you already have a D/s relationship without
the benefit of openness. Your wife decides in these matters, she
just doesn't want it acknowledged that she is making the
decisions.

If you were sexually aroused after giving her oral sex, would
you feel free to masturbate there and then in her presence?

>so i cannot ask Her for permission.

Are there other things that you ask for her permission or
agreement about without making it a D/s relationship?

>the only attraction for me would be to get an order, not the
>masturbation itself.

Are you still sexually active?

If so I'd have thought the masturbation would be exciting too?
Just that it would be much more exciting because it would feel
like it was under her control?

sincerely,
David

Download "Games People Play" by David at
http://www.mschristine.com/manual.html

Hello,

David wrote to Appy:

>in my opinion you already have a D/s relationship without the
>benefit of openness.

I think you are wrong there David. It is only a D/s relationship
in the way we understand it here on DOMestic if both of the
partners consent to Domination and submission.

That is quite different to a relationship where the wife is in
control of certain aspects by default, without a consensual Dom-
sub arrangement.

>Your wife decides in these matters, she just doesn't want it
>acknowledged that she is making the decisions.

You may also be wrong there. It is quite possible that Appy's
wife doesn't actually know she is in control. Or that she does
know, but would rather not be in control.

Your prejudice in these matters got the better of you there.

sincerely, Christine

The Fem Dom Training Software.
Advises on how best to train your husband/lover.
http://www.mschristine.com/program.shtml

first my reaction to what David wrote:

>I would have to stick to my word and not mention dominating me
>again.

i haven't asked it again.

>Were you tempted to ask then whether the marriage would be in
>danger if you were to ask to talk about the subject?

W/we were looking back at O/our marriage. No, i was not tempted.
from the way She talked about it i could see clearly She still
didn't want a D/s relationship. You and Ms Christine obviously
can talk more easily about these subjects.

>in my opinion you already have a D/s relationship without the
>benefit of openness. Your wife decides in these matters, she
>just doesn't want it acknowledged that she is making the
>decisions.

it is a one sided D/s relationship. and you are right, She is
making the decisions, but She doesn't want to be the boss.

>If you were sexually aroused after giving her oral sex, would
>you feel free to masturbate there and then in her presence?

yes, it would be exciting. In the past, when i still was potent
and able to ejaculate, She sometimes asked me to masturbate and
to come on Her breasts.

>Are there other things that you ask for her permission or
>agreement about without making it a D/s relationship?

i ask "permission" for everything, sometimes by telling Her what
i am going to do in an asking tone.

>Are you still sexually active?

not really. i can say i am impotent and cannot ejaculate any
more after my prostate operations. i can only satisfy my Wife
orally or manually.

>If so I'd have thought the masturbation would be exciting too?
>Just that it would be much more exciting because it would feel
>like it was under her control?

i only want what i call a mini orgasm (internal without
ejaculation) when my Wife is giving it to me. then i feel under
Her control.

Now my answer to Ms Christine:

>It is only a D/s relationship in the way we understand it here
>on DOMestic if both of the partners consent to Domination and
>submission. That is quite different to a relationship where the
>wife is in control of certain aspects by default, without a
>consensual Dom-sub arrangement.

as i wrote before my Wife takes the important decisions, but She
most of the times asks what my opinion is. e.g. She decides if
W/we go on holiday and where and when, who we will visit, where
we go out etc. and that is consensual although not officially
agreed as D/s. O/our relationship just developed that way. and
now it is taken for granted.

>It is quite possible that Appy's wife doesn't actually know
>she is in control. Or that she does know, but would rather not
>be in control.

i am sure She knows She is in control and She likes it. She
doesn't consider that as "dominating", but having married a
sensible husband who know who is right.:-)

Ms Christine wrote to David:

>Your prejudice in these matters got the better of you there.

i hope David will not be punished for this, because in my
opinion he is partly right.

many thanks also to You, Ms Christine, for answering me.

i was a bit over hasty, i fear, when i started this topic. This
morning my Wife not only initiated sex, but also brought me to
an internal orgasm. that was wonderful. and She allowed me to
satisfy Her too. So altogether i am a very happy person.

appy

regaining interest in sex

Bio-identical hormone treatment.