DOMestic Bdsm and Female Domination

I can't offer any advice in this matter, all I can say is that I
hope things work out for you.

I also wish I could find someone like you to serve. But living
on the road (I'm a truck driver) has it's own unique problems
associated with developing and maintaining a relationship of any
kind.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you.

Let's see; he cheated on you, (I'm guessing this wasn't worked
out beforehand with either of you), he is disobedient and
bratty, having continually challenged you and other Dommes, he
has played at being both Dom and sub, but only when he's "into"
it, and your sex life has virtually ended.

A question here, was going to the swingers club his idea?

All this points to someone that merely plays at BDSM, which
there is nothing wrong with, IF both parties want to do that. He
sounds more like a bottom than a true submissive, and that's ok
as well, UNLESS you want a true Ds relationship.

My advice on this is simple; if he is going to cheat on you,
(and BTW, that "playing with their sexual energy" line is pure
crap), ignore you and your needs, (be they BDSM based or not),
and focus on what he wants out of the relationship only, then
you're better off without him. He sounds like nothing more than
a player.

Right now it sounds like he's a manipulative jerk that cares
about nothing but himself.

I think you should kick that loser to the curb, and explore the
millions of good, quality submissives out there who not only
would lovingly appreciate your Dominance, but you as well.

http://www.mrs-silk.com

HTB wrote about her ten year relationship with her boyfriend.

In her post she wrote:

>"He was going through a divorce and messy child custody suit,
>which impacted his attitudes".

A man who is already in a relationship with someone else at the
time he starts one up with you is most probably going to treat
you as cavalierly as he does the woman in his last relationship.

HTB said later:

>"and yet I feel that I'd be violating basic ethics".

I think the violation of ethics occurred at the time HTB
knowingly entered or stayed in a relationship with a man who was
already involved in a relationship elsewhere. On her boyfriend's
side, I see no issue of ethics as he doesn't seem to have them
based on what she's told us. The initial fault may have been
with him but when HTB learned of it and stuck around she agreed
to accept unacceptable behavior.

Further, she gave him an indication of what behavior she finds
acceptable within her own relationships. She set the bar very
low for this man and in doing so she may have set herself up for
current events years ago.

She wrote:

>"I changed the locks and threw him out. We got back together
>with the idea that we would try and make things work again".

For something to work again, it has to have worked at one time.
When you're speaking of things working in a relationship a week,
a month, even a year may not be enough time to really know if
it's working especially when one partner routinely practices
deception. Looking at your timeline while considering the
deception he's practices now stretches things to the entire
length of your relationship. In other words, no matter how
wonderful he may have seemed at the beginning he was already
setting you up for a fall way back then.

HTB wrote:

>"About 2 years ago our relationship started to take a downward
>turn"

Again, you're operating under the delusion that your
relationship was working prior to that. In my opinion, it was
probably dysfunctional to begin with and it was simply an
illusion that it began to fail two years ago.

HTB wrote:

>"I'd like to have some advice on what I should do."

First off, HTB needs to take control and permanently leave. This
man has nothing to offer anyone that's positive until he figures
out what's wrong with himself and fixes it. It's not HTB's job
to fix him. Trying to fix him so he fits into her life will only
complicate her life further and keep her from meeting men who
may be worthwhile. It will also preoccupy her and keep her from
doing the following.

HTB needs to take a good hard look at what caused her to stay
with such a dishonest person to begin with. What need was she
trying to fill in having a relationship when she began hers with
him?

Why did she settle for a relationship with a man who was not
free to form a complete relationship with her?

Why does she want to salvage this relationship even now that
she's become aware of some of his many betrayals?

What will it prove to HTB if she can make this relationship
work?

How will it validate her?

Is she using him to punish herself by being with someone who is
consistent only in his abandonment and betrayal of those he
loves?

Have these things been components of her previous relationships
with men, perhaps a father figure?

This is not just personality flaws in her boyfriend sabotaging
the relationship. HTB needs to understand why she's been
shooting herself in the foot.

Until HTB can answer those questions it's probable that she will
continue to shortchange herself with unworthy men. These others
will all likely bear an astounding resemblance to this man.

I think HTB is correct when she said:

>"I think he's just not into it with me"

HTB, walk away. Spend some time trying to understand your own
motivations behind being with such a person. Once you understand
what that person represents in your life it will be so much
easier for you to see such a person coming and avoid them in
future.

If you have a history of unhealthy relationships you need to be
very careful about staying in relationships that "feel right".
That feeling isn't right as much as it is comfortable and that
feeling of comfort can get into serious trouble. It's very
likely that you're falling into the same destructive pattern
you've already lived through before. If your past relationships
have been destructive, look for new relationships that make you
feel very uncomfortable. After a year you may get used to the
feeling that nothing bad is happening in your new improved
relationship.

Work on that first. The B&D part is easy.

He comes across to me as a very selfish individual. It is all
about his needs and wants. The not respecting of boundaries is a
real no no. I agree in general with the assessment Madamplz
made.

My previous partner called himself a Dom as well. As I am a
Domme by nature that we switched roles was the agreement. As a
Dom he did not respect my boundaries and as sub he would top
from the bottom as my topping did not work for him (never mind
that his did not work for me, it was all about him). Really he
was just a narcissistic egomaniac.

As a result, as with you, the BDSM went out of the door and the
sexual relationship followed suit. It took a long time to
realise that all dynamics in the relationship were just wrong.
It took six and a half years for me.

From what you describe all dynamics are off. They centre on his
wants his needs his fantasies - and you? You are a the one he
can count on to be there and accept everything. Hard to accept
but be honest it is true.

My ex told me I was not a real Domme and accused me of going
prude. Being in a new relationship I know how wrong he was and
is. I am a true Domme. In my new relationship I have found a
kink compatibility to a degree which is rare, and a wonderful
friend and lover. Nothing prudish there. Whereas my ex - well he
has had to go completely vanilla to get anything. LOL

So really being true to oneself is the only way to go. If this
man is not giving you the space to be what you are and is trying
to change you into something you are not comfortable with he is
bad news. Kick him out and find a real sub. Don't forget there
are many more subs than there are true Dommes.

MissE

Thanks for the great insights, and particular thanks to
Madamplz. You've given me a lot to think about with some
excellent questions, that I don't know all the answers to.

On your point about ethics, I agree. It was while being cheated
on that I suddenly realized what his wife must have felt like
when he started seeing me ten years ago. I can also see how I
have basically set myself up for all of this long ago and have
probably been seeking reasons or excuses to stay in the
relationship.

I really do appreciate the time you took to put on paper some
structured thoughts that I can now start to work with and
analyze and try and understand why, as you say, I've been
shooting myself in the foot for so long.

HTB